Skip to main content

Funny Pinoy Jokes

Here is a collection of funny Pinoy Jokes all over the net.  This post will be updated as regularly as possible, with the latest jokes showing at the top.


Learn Useful French Words in Minutes

1. TURN - le coup

2. LITER - le true

3. BEHIND - le coud

4. ALMS - le mousse

5. FIVE - le ma

6 . FLY - le pad

7. DEAD SKIN - le bag

8. CONFUSED - le tou

9. NO LONGER A VIRGIN - les pag

10. UNFAITHFUL HUSBAND - cou ma le wah

11. CITY - ce vou

12. DRUGS - sha vou

13. GOODBYE - va vou

14. MUSICAL BAND - com vou

15. BALD - cal vou

16. CAUGHT IN THE ACT - na vou coup, na coup!!

17. FEATHERS - valahe vou

18. UNCLEAR - ma la vou

19. SINK - lah va vou

20. COCONUT - vou coup

21. OPEN WIDE - vou camou

22. CIRCUMCISE - vou ratattoule

23. ALWAYS UP - va yagriah

24. YOU'RE HOT - le voug mou

25. WASHROOM - coup vaetta

26. JAIL - coup lou ngan

27. SUPER BOOBS - la que zouosu

28. BOOGER - coup la ngout

29. BIG SCAR - va coup cangh

30. BIG MOUTH - chez moussa

31. NAGGER - vou nga nguerrah

32. TADPOLE - vou teiteh    


Confession

Maria goes to a confession...

Maria:  Father, forgive me for I have sinned.  Ang kasalanan ko po eh ang boypren ko pinahawakan sa akin ang kanyang ari at pinamasahe nya sa akin....

Pari:  Para sa kasalanan mo na yan, kailangan mong hugasan ang iyong kamay ng holy water.

Pumunta si Maria sa lalagyan ng holy water at ng malapit na ito, nakakita sya ng isang babae na nagmumumog ng holy water...

hhmmmmmmmmmm


What is a Kiss?

Teacher: Define Kiss?

Juan: Kiss is an upper penetration for a lower invasion, that will lead to deeper penetration, with fast acceleration, that will lead to the creation, of the next next generation.

Teacher: Correct!!!!      


Problems of Athiests

Q: What's the biggest problem of atheists?

A: They have no one to call out to during orgasm.


Burning Love

Q. What is " Burning Love"?

A. It's when you reach for the KY Jell and pick up the BENGAY instead!


Riddle Time - Starts with F

Q: What word starts with F, and ends with UCK, and causes a lot of noise and excitement?

A: FiretrUCK


Why Women are Stronger Than Men

Women are stronger than men because...

women can carry 2 mountains at a time,

while men can only carry 2 eggs, and that's with the help of a bird.


Di na Kailangan

Maria: Sweetie, luma na ang mga bra ko. Kailangan ko nang bumili ng mga bago. Bigyan mo naman ako ng pang shopping.

Juan: Huwag na sweety pie, maliit naman ang bumpers mo so di mo na kailngan mag bra, di ba.

Maria: Ganun ba? Eh ikaw bakit ka pa nagsusuot ng brief?


Call Girl

Nabagabag si Maria dahil napansin niyang tila wala ng gana sumiping sa kanya ang asawa niyang si Juan. Humingi siya ng payo sa kaibigan niyang si Alma. At pinayuhan siya ng kaibigan...

Alma: Mamayang gabi magayos call girl ka at abangan mo siya sa daan pag uwi.

Maria: Sige! Magandang idea yan. Susubukan ko!

Pag sapit ng dilim...

Maria: Hi Pogi! Ano gimik natin? Gusto mo ba ng good time?

Juan: Eeyew! Di kita type, kadiri! Kamukha mo asawa ko!


English Lesson - Sleeping Juan

English Teacher (catching Juan sleeping): Juan! Name me 2 pronouns!

Juan: Who? Me?

Englsih Teacher: That is correct! I thought you were not paying attention.


Gonorrhea of the Foot

Pedro goes to a doctor with his complaint

Pedro: Doc I have a problem. I have a very sore toe and I cant seem to cure it! I tried everyting!

Doc: Let me have a look...Ahh you have Gonorhea of the foot!

Pedro: Gonorhea of the foot? That's kinda unusual isn't it?

Doc: Yeah it is! It's a day of unusual ailments... Just this morning your girlfriend came to see me and I found out she had Athletes Foot of the Vagina!  


Pacman sa Deal or No Deal

Noodle!!!

Noodle!! Noodle!!


Pangalan ng Anak ni Pacman

Aling Dionisia: Gusto ko naman pag nagka-anak kayo uli ni Jinky, di lang pangalan nyo pagsasamahin. Dapat kasali din pangalan ko.

Pacman: Oo naman nay, kasu midyu mahirap yun.

Aling Dionisia: Hindi ah, may naesep na nga ako eh.

Pacman: Talaga 'nay? Anu?

Aling Dionisia: DIOMANJI (dionisia-manny- jinky)


Aling Dionisia and her Seeds

Aling Dionisia: Inday, akina nga yung seeds ko.

Inday: Bakit po magtatanim po ba kayo?

Aling Dionisia: Anung magtatanim sinasabi mo? Nasisilaw ang mata ko kaya kailangan ko yung seeds.


Pacman and Eggplant

Pacman: Nay, tanong ng titser ko sa klase kanina, bakit daw ang eggplant walang egg?  Di ko nasagot.

Aling Dionisia:  Sabihin mo sa titser mo, pag may egg yun, turta na yun, turta!!!


Nagdilim ang Paningin

Juan:  Pare, nagaway kami ni misis kagabi, nagdilim ang paningin ko!!!

Pedro:  Naku pare!!! Anong nangyari? Sinaktan mo si misis?!?!

Juan:  Hindi pare... sinakal ako ni misis... di ako nakahinga... nagdilim paningin ko...


Tagalog Translation again

Teacher: Okay class, today I will ask you to construct a sentence in English, then you will translate it to Tagalog afterwards.  Who wants to go first?

Juan: Me! Me! Me!

Teacher: Okay Juan, you go first.

Juan: My titser is very beautiful, isn't she?

Teacher: *blushing* Very good Juan!!!  Now translate in Tagalog!

Juan: Ang titser ko at maganda, maganda nga ba?


Tagalog Translation

Teacher:  Okay class, our lesson for today is translation.  I will say an english word and you will translate in tagalog.  Who wants to go first?

Pedro:  Me teacher, I want to go first!

Teacher:  Okay pedro, I want you to translate "I have a blue book" in Tagalog.

Pedro: Easy ma'am, "Merong akong librong asul"

Teacher:  Very good Pedro!  Now who wants to go next?

Juan:  Ako po ma'am I want to go next!!

Teacher: Ok Juan, I want you to translate "guy", "mother", father" and "you", then use them all in a sentence.

Juan:  Yun lang po? Madali lang yan! "Guy" is Ma, "Mother" is mama, "Father" is Tay, "You" is Ka.

Teacher: That is good!  Okay, now put in a sentence.

Juan: Very easy ma'am..... "Ma-mama-tay-ka!"


Balance Sheet

Teacher:  Class, what is a balance sheet?

Pedro: (eagerly raising and waving his hand)  Ma'am, ma'am, me, me, me!!!

Teacher: Okay Pedro, what is a balance sheet?

Pedro: A balance sheet is what you get after a balance diet


Nais Magbigti

Juan:  Pare, bakit may tali yang paa mo?

Pedro: Eh gusto ko kasing magbigti eh.

Juan: Eh bakit sa paa, diba sa leeg dapat yan nakalagay?

Pedro: Oo nga pare, sinubukan ko na yun kanina eh... Hindi ako makahinga pare... Mahirap

Comments

Post a Comment

What people are reading...

Lions Guard Abducted Ethiopian Girl Until Rescuers Arrive

With the news of the Mothers Day shooting incident in New Orleans today, I embarked on a journey to find any news about something that is still good out there. I guess something inside me still wanted to believe that there is still something good left in humanity.  Equipped with the key words "good news around the globe", I came across a very good and inspiring news, but not of a heroic act by a human but rather that of a feline.  Below is the link the story... Good News Story: Lions guard abducted Ethiopian girl until rescuers arrive Reading this news makes me wonder what is so bad in being called an "Animal"?  The only bad thing I could think of is the injustice we do to animals when liken bad humans to animals.  Sad to say but I think despite the evolution and the technological advancements that we humans have achieved, we have come to a point where it is more appropriate branding a misbehaving pet as "Human" that a misbehaving human an "...
Post a Comment
Read more

Quote of the Day

"Never ask for what you cannot give" This is my very own version of the golden rule.  In this time and age where material possesions have become the measure of a man's success, greed, selfishness and envy have become the main driver of every human dealings and decisions.  "Never ask for what you cannot give" does not focus on material things.  I will not ask for money if I have money to give in the first place.  Look beyond the material world and focus into what matters most -- the abstract, intangible things that make us human.  I am talking about respect, love, faith, kindness, passion, dedication, tolerance, and the list goes on. So the next time you ask a friend for kindness, or an enemy for forgiveness,  pause and ask yourself first before letting those words out... "Have I given enough of what I am about to ask for?" Never ask for what you cannot give and you will never go wrong.
Post a Comment
Read more

World War C

This current conundrum that is the COVID-19 knocks at our doorsteps and tests our resolve as a race.  It sows fear and panic similar to that famous horror/thriller/sci-fi movie many of us know, World War Z. It is okay to be afraid.  Fear is what has helped humanity survive the various extinction events it faced throughout the centuries.  However, it is also important to realize that excessive fear is not helpful.  It either drives us to panic, which can potentially lead to anarchy, or cause us to freeze and just ultimately drive us all to inaction.  Lack of fear on the other hand is just, well, silly and somewhat irresponsible. The COVID-19 caused by the SARS-COV-2 strain of the coronavirus has taken us all by surprise.  It has spread across the globe faster than we could have all imagined, either through our ignorance or perhaps, even arrogance.  Whatever the case maybe, the reality is that it is here and it is wreaking havoc.  We have under...
Post a Comment
Read more

History: The Battle of Bataan

These are the writings on the wall of the Dambana ng Kagitingan (Shrine of Valor) in Mt. Samat, Pilar, Bataan - a monument built to remember and to celebrate the resilience of the human spirit.  Reading through the inscriptions sent chills to my bones.  It makes me proud to be a Filipino, even more so being a Bataenyo (a native of Bataan).  Let this be a reminder to us all, of the valor and the glory of our roots.  We shall not forget...  "Our mission is to remember."   Photo by Irwin Richard Dizon The Battle of Bataan On this ground gallant men chose to die than surrender. From all corners of the Philippines they came, youthful and brave, to make their last stand in Bataan against an implacable enemy which had marched through Asia. What transpired was a ferocious combat between raw, ill-equipped recruits against seasoned, well-armed troops.
Post a Comment
Read more

Are you too strong for your own good?

I came across a gem of an article on Gulf News Aquarius magazine ( click here to read the article ) and decided to share it here and inject a few of my own thoughts on the subject. I have always been fascinated by strong women, those who have changed the course of history and made the world that is today. There are Hatshepsut, Cleopatra, Queen Elizabeth, Anne Frank, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey and Mother Theresa to name a few. And of course, to each and every one of us, who would forget the strongest woman of all that we know – our mothers.
1 comment
Read more

New Year Resolutions

Another year is over. Before the hands of time struck the final minute of 2012, we all had a clear vision of what we wanted for our 2013 -- the so called "New Year Resolutions". Some made a promise to live healthier e.g. lose weight, stop smoking, etc. Others have more abstract resolutions like, "will be happier", "will smile more", "will be more sensitive", etc. And there are others like me with a very simple resolution, go on a "no rice diet". In the business lingo, this goal makes a lot of sense because it is SMART (S=specific, M=measurable, A=attainable, R=relevant and T=timely). There is no way this cannot succeed as it makes for a perfect goal. However, there was a big flaw in the plan -- as the clock struck twelve, I had my right hand flexing its muscles with a spoonful of rice. Need I say more? To make long story short, I was doomed to fail from the get go. And so I welcomed 2013 with a broken promise.
Post a Comment
Read more

How the Poor Live

One day, a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live. They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, “How was the trip?” “It was great, Dad.” “Did you see how poor people live?” the father asked. “Oh yeah,” said the son. “So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father. The son answered, “I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden, and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden, and they have the stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard, and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on, and they have fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have wall...
Post a Comment
Read more

The World is a Wonderful Place

A true story, happened in 1892 at Stanford University: An 18-year-old student was struggling to pay his fees. He was an orphan, and not knowing where to turn for money, he came up with a bright idea. He and a friend decided to host a musical concert on campus to raise money for their education. They reached out to the great pianist Ignacy J. Paderewski. His manager demanded a guaranteed fee of $2000 for the piano recital. A deal was struck and the boys began to work to make the concert a success. The big day arrived. But unfortunately, they had not managed to sell enough tickets. The total collection was only $1600. Disappointed, they went to Paderewski and explained their plight. They gave him the entire $1600, plus a cheque for the balance $400. They promised to honour the cheque at the soonest possible. “No,” said Paderewski. “This is not acceptable.” He tore up the cheque, returned the $1600 and told the two boys: “Here’s the $1600. Please deduct whatever expenses you have...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Fat Lady

By Chong Sheau Ching Hi! How are you?” The woman smiled as she took the seat beside me. She had to lower herself slowly, squeezing her ample bottom into the seat, filling all available space. Positioning herself comfortably, she plopped her enormous arm on our common armrest. Her immensity saturated the space around us, shrinking me and my seat into insignificance. I cringed and reclined towards the window. She leaned towards me and repeated her greeting in an upbeat, friendly voice. Her face towered above my head, forcing me to turn to look at her. “Hi,” I replied with obvious loathing. I turned away to stare out the cabin window, sulking silently about the long hours of discomfort I was going to experience with this monster beside me. She nudged me with her meaty arm. “My name is Laura. I’m from Britain. How about you? Japan?” “Malaysia,” I barked. “I’m so sorry! Will you accept my heartfelt apology? Come, shake my hand. If we’re going to spend six hours side-by-sid...
Post a Comment
Read more