Skip to main content

Funny Pinoy Jokes

Here is a collection of funny Pinoy Jokes all over the net.  This post will be updated as regularly as possible, with the latest jokes showing at the top.


Learn Useful French Words in Minutes

1. TURN - le coup

2. LITER - le true

3. BEHIND - le coud

4. ALMS - le mousse

5. FIVE - le ma

6 . FLY - le pad

7. DEAD SKIN - le bag

8. CONFUSED - le tou

9. NO LONGER A VIRGIN - les pag

10. UNFAITHFUL HUSBAND - cou ma le wah

11. CITY - ce vou

12. DRUGS - sha vou

13. GOODBYE - va vou

14. MUSICAL BAND - com vou

15. BALD - cal vou

16. CAUGHT IN THE ACT - na vou coup, na coup!!

17. FEATHERS - valahe vou

18. UNCLEAR - ma la vou

19. SINK - lah va vou

20. COCONUT - vou coup

21. OPEN WIDE - vou camou

22. CIRCUMCISE - vou ratattoule

23. ALWAYS UP - va yagriah

24. YOU'RE HOT - le voug mou

25. WASHROOM - coup vaetta

26. JAIL - coup lou ngan

27. SUPER BOOBS - la que zouosu

28. BOOGER - coup la ngout

29. BIG SCAR - va coup cangh

30. BIG MOUTH - chez moussa

31. NAGGER - vou nga nguerrah

32. TADPOLE - vou teiteh    


Confession

Maria goes to a confession...

Maria:  Father, forgive me for I have sinned.  Ang kasalanan ko po eh ang boypren ko pinahawakan sa akin ang kanyang ari at pinamasahe nya sa akin....

Pari:  Para sa kasalanan mo na yan, kailangan mong hugasan ang iyong kamay ng holy water.

Pumunta si Maria sa lalagyan ng holy water at ng malapit na ito, nakakita sya ng isang babae na nagmumumog ng holy water...

hhmmmmmmmmmm


What is a Kiss?

Teacher: Define Kiss?

Juan: Kiss is an upper penetration for a lower invasion, that will lead to deeper penetration, with fast acceleration, that will lead to the creation, of the next next generation.

Teacher: Correct!!!!      


Problems of Athiests

Q: What's the biggest problem of atheists?

A: They have no one to call out to during orgasm.


Burning Love

Q. What is " Burning Love"?

A. It's when you reach for the KY Jell and pick up the BENGAY instead!


Riddle Time - Starts with F

Q: What word starts with F, and ends with UCK, and causes a lot of noise and excitement?

A: FiretrUCK


Why Women are Stronger Than Men

Women are stronger than men because...

women can carry 2 mountains at a time,

while men can only carry 2 eggs, and that's with the help of a bird.


Di na Kailangan

Maria: Sweetie, luma na ang mga bra ko. Kailangan ko nang bumili ng mga bago. Bigyan mo naman ako ng pang shopping.

Juan: Huwag na sweety pie, maliit naman ang bumpers mo so di mo na kailngan mag bra, di ba.

Maria: Ganun ba? Eh ikaw bakit ka pa nagsusuot ng brief?


Call Girl

Nabagabag si Maria dahil napansin niyang tila wala ng gana sumiping sa kanya ang asawa niyang si Juan. Humingi siya ng payo sa kaibigan niyang si Alma. At pinayuhan siya ng kaibigan...

Alma: Mamayang gabi magayos call girl ka at abangan mo siya sa daan pag uwi.

Maria: Sige! Magandang idea yan. Susubukan ko!

Pag sapit ng dilim...

Maria: Hi Pogi! Ano gimik natin? Gusto mo ba ng good time?

Juan: Eeyew! Di kita type, kadiri! Kamukha mo asawa ko!


English Lesson - Sleeping Juan

English Teacher (catching Juan sleeping): Juan! Name me 2 pronouns!

Juan: Who? Me?

Englsih Teacher: That is correct! I thought you were not paying attention.


Gonorrhea of the Foot

Pedro goes to a doctor with his complaint

Pedro: Doc I have a problem. I have a very sore toe and I cant seem to cure it! I tried everyting!

Doc: Let me have a look...Ahh you have Gonorhea of the foot!

Pedro: Gonorhea of the foot? That's kinda unusual isn't it?

Doc: Yeah it is! It's a day of unusual ailments... Just this morning your girlfriend came to see me and I found out she had Athletes Foot of the Vagina!  


Pacman sa Deal or No Deal

Noodle!!!

Noodle!! Noodle!!


Pangalan ng Anak ni Pacman

Aling Dionisia: Gusto ko naman pag nagka-anak kayo uli ni Jinky, di lang pangalan nyo pagsasamahin. Dapat kasali din pangalan ko.

Pacman: Oo naman nay, kasu midyu mahirap yun.

Aling Dionisia: Hindi ah, may naesep na nga ako eh.

Pacman: Talaga 'nay? Anu?

Aling Dionisia: DIOMANJI (dionisia-manny- jinky)


Aling Dionisia and her Seeds

Aling Dionisia: Inday, akina nga yung seeds ko.

Inday: Bakit po magtatanim po ba kayo?

Aling Dionisia: Anung magtatanim sinasabi mo? Nasisilaw ang mata ko kaya kailangan ko yung seeds.


Pacman and Eggplant

Pacman: Nay, tanong ng titser ko sa klase kanina, bakit daw ang eggplant walang egg?  Di ko nasagot.

Aling Dionisia:  Sabihin mo sa titser mo, pag may egg yun, turta na yun, turta!!!


Nagdilim ang Paningin

Juan:  Pare, nagaway kami ni misis kagabi, nagdilim ang paningin ko!!!

Pedro:  Naku pare!!! Anong nangyari? Sinaktan mo si misis?!?!

Juan:  Hindi pare... sinakal ako ni misis... di ako nakahinga... nagdilim paningin ko...


Tagalog Translation again

Teacher: Okay class, today I will ask you to construct a sentence in English, then you will translate it to Tagalog afterwards.  Who wants to go first?

Juan: Me! Me! Me!

Teacher: Okay Juan, you go first.

Juan: My titser is very beautiful, isn't she?

Teacher: *blushing* Very good Juan!!!  Now translate in Tagalog!

Juan: Ang titser ko at maganda, maganda nga ba?


Tagalog Translation

Teacher:  Okay class, our lesson for today is translation.  I will say an english word and you will translate in tagalog.  Who wants to go first?

Pedro:  Me teacher, I want to go first!

Teacher:  Okay pedro, I want you to translate "I have a blue book" in Tagalog.

Pedro: Easy ma'am, "Merong akong librong asul"

Teacher:  Very good Pedro!  Now who wants to go next?

Juan:  Ako po ma'am I want to go next!!

Teacher: Ok Juan, I want you to translate "guy", "mother", father" and "you", then use them all in a sentence.

Juan:  Yun lang po? Madali lang yan! "Guy" is Ma, "Mother" is mama, "Father" is Tay, "You" is Ka.

Teacher: That is good!  Okay, now put in a sentence.

Juan: Very easy ma'am..... "Ma-mama-tay-ka!"


Balance Sheet

Teacher:  Class, what is a balance sheet?

Pedro: (eagerly raising and waving his hand)  Ma'am, ma'am, me, me, me!!!

Teacher: Okay Pedro, what is a balance sheet?

Pedro: A balance sheet is what you get after a balance diet


Nais Magbigti

Juan:  Pare, bakit may tali yang paa mo?

Pedro: Eh gusto ko kasing magbigti eh.

Juan: Eh bakit sa paa, diba sa leeg dapat yan nakalagay?

Pedro: Oo nga pare, sinubukan ko na yun kanina eh... Hindi ako makahinga pare... Mahirap

Comments

Post a Comment

What people are reading...

#WeArePhilippines

Recently, we have seen a lot of political disorder in the Philippines that has literally divided, and continue to divide, our nation.  Majority of the government officials, who the Filipino people have chosen to represent their best interests, have misused the trust and the authority that the people have given them to further their individual (and that of their party’s) political interest.  This observation is not only directed at one person or one political party.  Parties and individuals have been hell-bent on criticizing anyone who sits on the other side of the fence.  Privilege speeches and press conferences, under the guise of “at the interest of the Filipino people” have been used to either discredit another official or to defend a “personal attack” directed at them by a member of the opposition.  This has fueled the nation’s divide and has distracted the Filipino people’s sight away from the positive things that currently unfolds right in front of us. O...
Post a Comment
Read more

New Year Resolutions

Another year is over. Before the hands of time struck the final minute of 2012, we all had a clear vision of what we wanted for our 2013 -- the so called "New Year Resolutions". Some made a promise to live healthier e.g. lose weight, stop smoking, etc. Others have more abstract resolutions like, "will be happier", "will smile more", "will be more sensitive", etc. And there are others like me with a very simple resolution, go on a "no rice diet". In the business lingo, this goal makes a lot of sense because it is SMART (S=specific, M=measurable, A=attainable, R=relevant and T=timely). There is no way this cannot succeed as it makes for a perfect goal. However, there was a big flaw in the plan -- as the clock struck twelve, I had my right hand flexing its muscles with a spoonful of rice. Need I say more? To make long story short, I was doomed to fail from the get go. And so I welcomed 2013 with a broken promise.
Post a Comment
Read more

Philippines Withdraws from the ICC

Woke up today to the news that the Philippines is finally pulling out of the ICC. The mainstream media, as expected, started looking into the legitimacy of the act while taking the opportunity to once again throw the EJK trash in the equation, still hoping that the shit would stick somewhere, somehow.  It's already been 19 months that they have been trying the same approach, with some help from their friends - the political minority, the human rights groups, the UN HR, and lately, the ICC.
Post a Comment
Read more

The World is a Wonderful Place

A true story, happened in 1892 at Stanford University: An 18-year-old student was struggling to pay his fees. He was an orphan, and not knowing where to turn for money, he came up with a bright idea. He and a friend decided to host a musical concert on campus to raise money for their education. They reached out to the great pianist Ignacy J. Paderewski. His manager demanded a guaranteed fee of $2000 for the piano recital. A deal was struck and the boys began to work to make the concert a success. The big day arrived. But unfortunately, they had not managed to sell enough tickets. The total collection was only $1600. Disappointed, they went to Paderewski and explained their plight. They gave him the entire $1600, plus a cheque for the balance $400. They promised to honour the cheque at the soonest possible. “No,” said Paderewski. “This is not acceptable.” He tore up the cheque, returned the $1600 and told the two boys: “Here’s the $1600. Please deduct whatever expenses you have...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Fat Lady

By Chong Sheau Ching Hi! How are you?” The woman smiled as she took the seat beside me. She had to lower herself slowly, squeezing her ample bottom into the seat, filling all available space. Positioning herself comfortably, she plopped her enormous arm on our common armrest. Her immensity saturated the space around us, shrinking me and my seat into insignificance. I cringed and reclined towards the window. She leaned towards me and repeated her greeting in an upbeat, friendly voice. Her face towered above my head, forcing me to turn to look at her. “Hi,” I replied with obvious loathing. I turned away to stare out the cabin window, sulking silently about the long hours of discomfort I was going to experience with this monster beside me. She nudged me with her meaty arm. “My name is Laura. I’m from Britain. How about you? Japan?” “Malaysia,” I barked. “I’m so sorry! Will you accept my heartfelt apology? Come, shake my hand. If we’re going to spend six hours side-by-sid...
Post a Comment
Read more

Obstruction of Persecution

There is something fundamentally wrong with the state of affairs in our country right now that makes it awfully hard for anyone to be neutral.  I personally have tried for so long to remain objective in interpreting the news.  I have always believed that no matter how flawed our justice system may be, we should always put our trust in our government and in our institutions to somehow work for us, the people.  After all, if we just simply say the institutions are corrupt and we no longer honor them, we condemn our society to eternal chaos.  A flawed system is better than no system at all.  And so for lack of clear strategy to address fundamental system flaws, every administration for years has maintained the status quo in order not to rock the boat. The rise of Duterte to power has rocked the boat and has disrupted the status quo.  Flaws within the systems are exposed.  Social classes are challenged.  Power and influence struggles ensued. ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Saint Valentine's Day

It is the time of the roses and the chocolates once again.  It is the "season of love"; that one day in every year, where all lovers and friends go coucou finding gifts for their "Valentine".  It is also the time where the flower, chocolate and teddy bear merchants as well as hotels and motels owners and operators are on full grin!  It is the time where the prices of commodities associated with "love" go sky-high. What really is this phenomenon that is Valentine's Day?  Read on...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Problem with Dandelions

A man who took great pride in his lawn found himself with a large crop of dandelions. He tried every method he knew to get rid of them. Still they plagued him. Finally he wrote to the Department of Agriculture. He enumerated all the things he had tried and closed his letter with the question: "What shall I do now?" In due course, the reply came: "We suggest you learn to love them."
Post a Comment
Read more

Desiderata

The word "desiderata" is the plural form of the word "desideratum", a Latin word which literally means "something desired". I came accross this beautiful work as a teenager and it has greatly influenced and shaped how I see the world.   *** DESIDERATA by Max Ehrmann, 1927 Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender  be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly;  and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant;  they too have their story.  Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.  Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession...
Post a Comment
Read more

Welcome to My Standpoint...

I am a Civil/Structural Engineer by education, a Quality Professional by profession, a wannabe-but-chose-not-to-be doctor, a frustrated programmer, a tech enthusiast, an avid sportsman, a hater, a lover, a friend, a son, a brother, a husband and a father. I love music, but music never really liked me -- and so does dancing. I love to write (at least I'd like to think so) but never found the time. I love to draw/paint, but again the busy everyday life took that away from me. The only things that stuck with me throughout the busy-ness of life would be my passion for Tennis, Judo, computers and just about anything that gets plugged in to an electric socket or gets powered by batteries (conventional or solar) -- children's toys included. :) Having said that, I guess I can summarily describe myself as a "Jack of trades, (and hopefully) master of some". I have always believed that knowing a little bit of everything is better than knowing everything about just one thi...
Post a Comment
Read more